What is my testimony?

Thank you, Jesus.  You are my Comforter.  You are my Father.  You are a Chain breaker.  You are Healer.  You are all that I need... I believe that.  You are Sovereign.  You are Good.  You love me and I love You. I believe it.

I wrote that question down a couple weeks ago, "What is my Testimony?", and started writing how I didn't have a testimony and it was very much a pity party.  I deleted it.  God gave me a testimony and here it is.

I grew up in a Christian home, so from a very young age, I knew the difference between right and wrong.  I cried when I heard a cuss word and I was a solid believer that smoking was very bad for you.  Ha!  My poor sister would wake up some mornings with drawings on her wall, from her little sister, of a black lung and a clean lung, trying to convince her to quit smoking.  I always believed that God is our Creator.  I always knew there is a Heaven and a Hell.  I knew I needed to believe in the death and resurrection of the Son of God in order to be saved.  I would continuously ask Jesus into my heart, just in case it didn't take the first time, or second, or third.  It was definitely all about rules.  My family would get into Heaven, there was no way I'd be left behind.  That's all Christianity was to me.  And things really didn't change as I got older.

God absolutely blessed me with a wonderful Husband and four amazing little boys.  God moved my family from Texas to Indiana when I was 15.  I was bitter and angry when I got here, but I can see now just what God was doing.  He brought me here to meet Tyler.  I rarely felt clarity about anything, but marrying Tyler was a no brainer.  I knew, without a doubt, he was the man God wanted me to marry.  Little did I know, our marriage would bring glory to God, time and time again.

In and out of consistant ministry confused me and shook the little faith that I had.  Open doors were uplifting to my spirit, but then shut doors devastated me.  I never realized how shakey my foundation was.  Tyler was being filled constantly and His walk with God was strengthened.  He was and is being used by God to bring glory to His name and spread His unfailing love to the broken.  I've watched him become a man that put my faith to shame.  I was becoming bitter that I couldn't understand what Tyler was experiencing.  Why was he so excited?  Why was he so bound and determined to share God's love?  I had never really experienced it, or so I thought, and I was angry and almost irritated by anything spiritual.  I continued worshiping up front, with a mic in my hand, crying because I felt something, but had no idea what and no idea why I was praising Him.  I can say, I always prayed that the Holy Spirit would take over our music, because I know without that, our musical talent is just noise.  So, I had that right, but everything else was wrong.

This has been a tough 4 weeks.  We have felt hammered by the evil one.  A never ending cough and headache for me, a different kid sick every week (a stomach bug... a nightmare for me), open and shut doors, up and down emotions, a death in the family, physical issues, chipped teeth, bike crashes, arguments, sleepless nights, screwed up hormones and cycle... I've just felt so weak and attacked.  Then something triggered an absolute melt down 4 days ago.  I was so mad at God for what I didn't have.  No talent, no gifts, no friends, not smart, no purpose, failure as a Mother, social anxiety, fears that crippled me, weakness, worthlessness, doubt, comparison, unbelief... there was literally no bad feeling I didn't feel.  Tyler and my parents, at different times, asked to pray with me, but I wanted nothing to do with it.  I was in a pit.  I cried out to God and I felt nothing and was mad about it.  I read Psalm 23 and yelled at God, "You are my shepherd.... How are You my Shepherd?!  You are my Strength.... How are you my strength?!  You comfort me.... How are you comforting me?!?..." and on it went.  Heard and felt nothing.  I was lashing out at Tyler, meaner than dirt.  Accusing him of things, telling him he wasn't loving me enough or telling me the right things.  Poor guy.  But, you know what he did?  He loved me thru it.  He took my mean words.  He might have lashed out at me once, who could blame him, but then he went right back to loving me... listening to me and correcting my accusations with love.  It made me madder.  Ha!  At this point my eyes are so swollen from the sobbing I had done for days.  I felt helpless and consumed.  I felt like I could do unthinkable things to numb what I was feeling.  I could relate to any sinner.  The devil was a lion, devouring me and I was letting him.

Then, last night, Tyler was up in our room listening to a sermon (this guy never quits), the kids were at Wednesday Night kids club, and I was in the living room feeling dark and alone.  I texted Tyler, "I am so depressed."  He immediately comes down.  He hugs me and starts praying for me, and I let him.  He cries with me, he prays over me, and he tells me how much he loves me in a way I had never heard.  He tells me that God is going to empower me and we are going to stomp Satan for a living.  Something about that got my attention.  I started to let go of some of my bitterness and unbelief.  I started to gain ground and then I'd share more of my doubt and Tyler just kept praying with me.  2 1/2 hours go by and he lets me know, he will pray with me as long as it takes... Satan will not win.  I got to a point where, I couldn't make myself believe.  I just had to wait on God.  I needed something to hold on to.  I had prayed for months for Him to reveal Himself in some way, to comfort me like He promises, to speak to me, to put His arms around me... something that I know is from God.  I needed it, I longed for it.  I didn't want to go back to lukewarm faith.  This was the turning point... it had to be.  Tyler and I stood up and he just hugged me.  Now, anyone who truly knows me, knows I am not a hugger.  Makes me cringe.  He started singing "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that name..."  At first I feel like, wow this is stupid.  Then, this unexplainable feeling comes over me.  I start to cry and I shut my eyes... And then it happens.   I feel and see Jesus holding me.  I could feel my Father, finally.  It was not Tyler holding me.... it was Jesus.  I felt him for two songs.  "Great is Thy Faithfulness, oh God my Father" Tyler sings.  I have never felt so loved and so special in my entire life.  He is real.  I know it now.  I no longer feel insignificant, because my Father loves me enough to reveal Himself to me and hold me like He was here on earth.  He used Tyler to get to me.  He used my parents to speak to me.  My Shepherd left the 99 for the 1.

I am so thankful that when I sing praises to Him, I know what I'm praising Him for.  I believe His promises.  I am a new creation.  He loves me and I can honestly say I love Him... maybe even for the first time.  I have a testimony and I never thought I'd have one.  Thank you, Jesus, for your love.  Work on me daily, use me, hold me, love on me, mold me... I'm yours to use for Your glory.  Forever and ever.  I never want to forget Your faithfulness.  And I'm going to hug people.  Ha!  Hallelujah.